Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Who will stand?

Who will stand?

I knew this journey wouldn't always be easy.  But some how in my fantasy of it all I pictured myself standing strong and leaping over hurdles with ease through the power of Christ that lives within me.  I pictured scared kids telling me that they hated me, throwing my favorite dishes to the ground, actually running away; and me standing there, strong and steady, with nothing but love and heartache for them, and perhaps the words of Love & Logic, "so sad for you." 

Sigh.  The hurdles and mountains have come and alas, it is not that easy.  I find myself crumbling under the weight of it all.  Questioning the dreams that God has placed in my heart since childhood, feeling isolated, alone, in this fight for the fatherless; broken and lost as I waiver in my fight for my 12 y.o. that I love ever so dearly.  And to think there are thousands more like her. 

I know this path isn't for everyone. But, is there someone out there in this vast vast world that will see His dream and stand with us?  We will gladly take the joys and trials of the 24/7 if we only had someone to walk with us.  We have no family near by, no grandparents for the kids to go to, we lack that father figure to seek out for words of wisdom.  We feel so alone.

Who can I call in that dark time of need?  Who wants to come over for dinner, play games, pour love into her broken heart, give us just a few short hours some evening so my dear husband and I can get some much needed time away.  Surely, there must be someone? 

What do I do?  Continue on in this path that is tearing me within?  Walk away, breaking a promise that I made in the beginning?  I feel as if I'd be casting her to the wolves and my face floods with tears at the mere thought of it.

I know I must trust Him.  I struggle with that.

He's got her, just as He has from the beginning.
He's got us, just as He has from the beginning.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Tears of Joy

We had a ten yr old for a few weeks. Yesterday she got to go home.  After school on Friday, I got to tell her the news.  Bouncing up and down, the biggest smile came across her face and tears began to stream down her cheeks.  She could hardly contain her excitement as she talked about her grandmother's house, "you know, it's the place where the power can go out and I can still find the kitchen, get something to eat, and sit on the dark couch and be ... okay.  I don't know, I just feel different there, I'm a different person there, it's hard to explain."
"That my dear," I told her, "is the description of 'home.'"  Well, yesterday she got to go home.  I had the joy of taking her to her grandma's house; I got to watch her as she grew increasingly more giddy, and as more tears of joy filled her cheeks. 

And with those tears of joy we are now back down to a family of four.